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Table of Contents

Introduction and Guest Welcome (00:00:00) Emily introduces the podcast, offers a free resource, and welcomes guest Talia Bombola.

Talia’s Background and Approach (00:01:13) Talia introduces herself, her work with mothers, and her focus on confidence and assertiveness.

People-Pleasing Origins and Trauma (00:02:42) Discussion on people-pleasing as a childhood response, its roots in family dynamics, and its connection to trauma.

The Fawn Response and Nervous System (00:04:45) Explains the fawn response, nervous system triggers, and why trauma survivors default to people-pleasing.

Overcoming People-Pleasing: Building Assertiveness (00:06:30) Strategies for moving from people-pleasing to assertiveness, including exposure and small steps.

Assertiveness Training and Baby Steps (00:08:54) Practical examples of building assertiveness through small, manageable actions and gradual exposure.

Basic vs. Advanced Interpersonal Skills (00:10:01) Distinguishing between basic and advanced communication skills, and when each is needed.

Avoidant/Freeze Response in Trauma (00:11:08) Exploring the freeze response, avoidance in relationships, and the role of nervous system overwhelm.

Somatic and Nervous System Regulation Techniques (00:15:38) Practical steps for avoidant individuals: thymus tap, butterfly hug, and progressive muscle relaxation.

Explosive/Over-Assertive Response (00:18:07) Discussion of the “porcupine spikes” response, over-assertiveness, and how to support or address it.

Connecting with Talia and Resources (00:22:48) Talia shares how listeners can connect with her, her online presence, and her course for deeper learning.

Closing and Farewell (00:24:25) Emily thanks Talia, wraps up the episode, and reminds listeners of available resources.

Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: Assertiveness and Healing for Mothers After Trauma

Motherhood After Trauma is a podcast dedicated to supporting mothers on their healing journeys. In a recent episode, host Emily sat down with Talia Bombola, a licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship mentor, to discuss a topic that resonates deeply with many trauma survivors: the impact of trauma on interpersonal patterns, especially people-pleasing, avoidance, and over-assertiveness.

This blog post dives deep into the nuanced insights and actionable strategies shared in the episode. Whether you’re a mother healing from trauma or supporting someone who is, you’ll find expert advice, practical tools, and compassionate guidance to help you reclaim your voice and build healthier relationships.

Understanding Trauma Responses in Motherhood

Trauma doesn’t just live in the past—it shapes how we show up in our relationships today. For mothers, these patterns often manifest as:

  • People-pleasing (the “fawn” response)
  • Avoidance or “freeze” response
  • Over-assertiveness or “porcupine spikes”
 

Let’s break down each pattern, explore why it happens, and learn how to move toward confidence and authentic connection.

1. People-Pleasing: The Fawn Response

Why People-Pleasing Develops

Talia explains that people-pleasing often begins as parent-pleasing in childhood, especially in homes with emotionally immature or unpredictable caregivers. Children learn to keep the peace by accommodating others’ needs, suppressing their own desires to avoid conflict or emotional fallout.

Key Insights:

  • Rooted in Early Experiences: Our first lessons in relationships come from our families. If you had to “walk on eggshells” as a child, you likely learned to prioritize others’ comfort over your own.
  • Societal Conditioning: Women, in particular, are socialized to be agreeable and nurturing, reinforcing people-pleasing tendencies.
  • A Survival Mechanism: The “fawn” response is the nervous system’s way of avoiding danger by appeasing others. It’s not weakness—it’s a protective adaptation.
 

The Hidden Cost

While people-pleasing can keep the peace, it often leads to self-neglect, resentment, and a loss of authentic self. Over time, it becomes difficult to identify your own needs, let alone express them.

Actionable Steps to Overcome People-Pleasing

1. Reality-Testing Your Fears

  • Separate “What Ifs” from Facts: When you fear being assertive, ask yourself: Is this fear based on past trauma, or is it relevant to the current situation?
  • Identify the Real Risk: Are you afraid of being disliked, rejected, or judged? Naming the fear helps you address it directly.
 

2. Mini Exposure Exercises

  • Start Small: Practice assertiveness in low-stakes situations. For example:
    • Ask a friend for help moving a chair.
    • Politely request someone to lower their music in public.
     
  • Build “Assertiveness Muscle Memory”: Each small success reinforces your ability to advocate for yourself.
 

3. Gradual Progression

  • Avoid Overwhelm: Don’t try to go from passive to assertive overnight. Take baby steps to avoid triggering your nervous system.
  • Expand Your Skills: As you gain confidence, practice more advanced boundary-setting, especially with challenging people.
 

4. Reframe Assertiveness

  • Not All-or-Nothing: Assertiveness isn’t about being aggressive or confrontational. It’s about expressing your needs with respect for yourself and others.
 


2. Avoidance: The Freeze Response

Why Avoidance Happens

Trauma can also lead to avoidance—shutting down or withdrawing from difficult conversations and situations. This is the “freeze” response, often triggered by feeling overwhelmed or fearing incompetence.

Key Insights:

  • Flooded Nervous System: When overwhelmed, your body may experience tunnel vision, numbness, or dissociation.
  • Hyper-Independence: Some trauma survivors cope by never asking for help, leading to isolation and burnout.
 

Actionable Steps to Break the Freeze

1. Somatic Grounding Techniques

  • Thymus Tap: Gently tap your sternum three times to activate the vagus nerve and calm your system. This can be done discreetly, anywhere.
  • Butterfly Hug (from EMDR): Cross your arms over your chest and alternately tap your upper arms while breathing deeply. This bilateral stimulation helps ground you.
 

2. Progressive Muscle Relaxation or Meditation

  • Guided Practice: Use a 20-minute guided meditation or muscle relaxation exercise to bring your body out of the flooded state.
  • Expand Your “Window of Tolerance”: Regular nervous system work helps you handle stress without shutting down.
 

3. Practice Low-Stakes Requests

  • Ask for Small Favors: Request a glass of water or a minor favor from someone you trust. This builds trust in others and reduces the burden of doing everything alone.
 

3. Over-Assertiveness: The Porcupine Spikes

Why Over-Assertiveness Occurs

Some trauma survivors swing to the opposite extreme—over-assertiveness or irritability. This “porcupine spikes” response is often a sign of being overstimulated, exhausted, or having unmet basic needs.

Key Insights:

  • Not Just a Personality Trait: This behavior is often a nervous system response to chronic stress or trauma.
  • Impact on Relationships: Loved ones may feel like they’re “walking on eggshells” around you.
 

Actionable Steps for Managing Over-Assertiveness

1. Meet Basic Needs First

  • Check In: Are you hungry, tired, or overstimulated? Address these needs before engaging in difficult conversations.
 

2. Regulate Your Nervous System

  • Pause and Breathe: Take a break, step outside, or use grounding techniques before responding.
  • Therapy and Support: Ongoing therapy can help you develop healthier ways to express feelings and set boundaries.
 

3. Timing and Communication

  • Gentle Feedback: If you’re supporting someone with “spikes out,” approach them calmly and with care. Use language like:
    • “I love you, and I’m sharing this because I care.”
    • “Is there anything I can do to help you feel less on edge?”
     
  • Don’t Take It Personally: Recognize that their reaction is about their internal state, not you.
  • Set Boundaries: If needed, say, “Let’s table this conversation until we can both talk calmly.”
 

4. Plant Seeds, Don’t Push

  • Give Space: Sometimes, the best support is to gently offer help and then step back. Let the person come to self-awareness in their own time.
 


Expert Recommendations and Resources

For Trauma-Surviving Mothers

  • Start Small: Whether you’re working on assertiveness, breaking avoidance, or managing irritability, small, consistent steps are key.
  • Practice Self-Compassion: Healing is a journey. Be gentle with yourself as you unlearn old patterns.
  • Seek Professional Support: Therapy, coaching, or structured courses can provide guidance and accountability.
 

Talia Bumble’s Resources

 

Final Thoughts: Healing Is a Journey, Not a Destination

As Talia and Emily remind us, the first and most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. By understanding your trauma responses and taking small, actionable steps, you can move from survival to thriving—building confidence, setting healthy boundaries, and modeling resilience for your children.

Remember:

  • You’re not alone.
  • Your needs matter.
  • Small steps lead to big changes.
 

If this resonates with you, consider downloading the Unlocking Peace guide from the show notes and start your healing journey today.

     

    About Talia Bombola

    Want to be a guest on Mamahood After Trauma? Send Emily Cleghorn a message on PodMatch, here